Summer of '98

It was the summer of 1998 when the memories came back. The deepest, darkest memories. Prior to that she had just finished her freshman year in college and was receiving all sorts of attention from men. She never experienced this in high school and she found she could use her looks and body to get what she wanted. She had lived in the dorms her freshman year and was drunk daily. It was the college culture. Everyone was doing it. She didn’t realize that by the time she was 30 years old, she would have slept with over 250 men. She didn’t realize the devastating affects being diagnosed with PTSD would have on her. She had no idea that the attention she’d receive from men would spiral her into sex addiction by the age of 29.

She met Tommy at the end of her freshman year at a party on the beach. He lived at the beach and was several years older than her. It was in the summer of 1998, when they were sitting atop a mountain, overlooking the ocean, that her memories would come back. They were deep in conversation, and he was rubbing her back. He slowly tried to make a move by moving his hand from her back to the front of her body. This was a similar move that her abuser had done when she had first started developing breasts around 12 years old. All of the sudden the memories came flooding back, like a slideshow of horror, images of awful things this man had done to her when she was a child, seeing it happen to her sister…she thought she was losing her mind. She had no idea what was going on. She demanded that Tommy take her to her mom right away.

She was diagnosed with PTSD and was given several medications to help with the flashbacks, depression, and anxiety that engulfed her. She had to take a year off school. She would take some of the medications, but not all of them. They interfered with her drinking and that was a priority. She lived with several other girls, in an apartment on campus, and they would have parties frequently. As the night went on, she would start having the flashbacks again. She would be in the shower with a razor to her wrist, thinking that she just couldn’t go on. She would barricade herself in her room, sobbing on the floor, writhing in emotional pain. It felt like too much. The alcohol helped to numb it. Tommy did not like how much she drank.

In the summer of 1999, she moved in with him. She would drink when they would have arguments. She would carry water bottles of vodka around to parties. It was just the college lifestyle. It’s what everyone did…so she thought. She had her first panic attack when living with him. She thought she was having a heart attack. She could not feel her feet or arms, her chest was tight, she couldn’t breathe. He rushed her to the emergency room, they ran EKGs on her, and told her she just had her first panic attack. She had never even heard of panic attacks before.

That year, Celeste was introduced to the world of acting and modeling. Tommy was working as a Production Assistant at a local production studio and would get her parts as an extra on the shows he would be working on. Local photographers would ask her to model for swimsuit shoots. This would just continue her drinking and use of anti-anxiety medications; and it again, reinforced her ability to use her looks and body to get what she wanted.

#ptsd #everywoman #everywomanhasastory #alcoholism #modeling #sexaddiction #depression #anxiety #collegedrinking