Pain in Love

She remembers when they first locked eyes. She saw his kind heart as he helped her family with the passing of her most beloved grandparents. They continued to make awkward eye contact and then quickly looked away. She never thought much of it. She was 8 months pregnant.

After her son was born, she went to a family holiday where he was invited. She again, thought nothing of him being there since she was only two months postpartum. She was still shaking with anxiety most of the time and doing her best to care for her child. He walked in, immediately went to her son, picked him up, and started rocking him. Her heart melted. She was so afraid her entire pregnancy that her child would never have a father and she would never have a partner that this experience shocked her, but in a pleasant way. Her heart instantly melted and they lightly flirted the rest of the evening.

They had a whirlwind romance, that her father forbid. She tried to stay away from him but he was so kind, loving, comforting, and helpful. He would become her safe space, and they could not stay away from each other.

He immediately took on the role as father in her son's life. He provided for the family while she struggled through her new role as a mother and wife, but still an alcoholic and an addict, with a whole lot of baggage from her childhood. Quickly after getting married, their negative cycles began....there were red flags from the beginning on both sides. They chose to ignore them, They would muscle through the difficult times and would build a beautiful life together. They worked well as team and supported one another through hard times.

She pushed him to start his own business and supported him through family crises. She had a series of surgeries where she could not care for her child. He would care for her and tend to their son. Throughout the course of the surgeries, she continued taking the pain medication to numb out and try to make their marriage work. Eventually she had to get honest about it and it through another wrench in their marriage. They were a good team when they needed to be, however most of the time they acted as enemies.

They had a vision for their lives together. They wanted to be in the nature, secluded, living off the land. They both loved their camping adventures, however, after some time there was a complete disconnect. They both began neglecting one another and would isolate themselves. Tensions started to run high, which ended in an explosion. Their relationship was fragmented, shattered, all around them, they were trying to pick up the pieces...some were impossible to pick up. They wandered, lost, through the wreckage, trying to be the best people they could be and show up for their son through the pain.

Their hearts remain connected, unified as one. Their souls craved one another. They may have never learned what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like and they may be incapable of loving one another in a healthy way, but she knew that they loved each other the best way they knew how, through the pain and the joy...it was their intent, in marriage, to be united, in love, and spend the rest of their lives together.

They both grieve, silently, in their separate homes. She loves him and will always love him. Her heart breaks whenever she think of the times they shared together. Would this be the end? Was their marriage really over? This seemed like a nightmare to her. One that she prayed she would wake up from.

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