Repeating Patterns

She never had a great example of what a healthy relationship looked like. Her father was a heroin addict. She remembers her parents arguing and the little box he had on his armoire that she was not allowed to touch. Of course, the temptation got to her and she was so confused, at 9 years old, to find razor blades in it. She just dismissed it. She had no idea what her dad would use them for. He had a whole story of his own.

Her first high school boyfriend was abusive. He would push her against the wall and his anger would get the best of him. She left him her first year of college but it would just be the beginning of a lifetime of poor decision making with men.

She felt bad for her son. She felt like she failed him. She had no idea what a father and a husband was supposed to look like. She just wanted to feel safe and secure. She could not find that in her life or in herself, and became reliant upon others, mostly men, to find it.

At 39 years old, she would never envision starting over. She had planned her life with her husband and their family. She had dreams with him and even though he would constantly put her down, she had hopes that he would change. She had hopes that they would all change. She never wanted to live in reality and would often live in a little dream world that she made up. She wanted them to be like the men in the movies. She wanted to be loved so badly…so much so that she would tolerate unacceptable behavior. It wasn’t until her son started to point it out that she realized what her husband was doing to her.

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