I AM A SURVIVOR!

Every month, I share a little on each chapter of my book, as I continue to write it. It motivates me to get to writing because I often feel that I don’t have the time to write, to share my story, my truth…the sole purpose I have to help others. This month is abuse…and it just happens to coincide with the uprising of women telling their stories of sexual assault. I am a survivor. I am a survivor of sexual assault in a way not many can comprehend because of the horror of it. I was 4 years old when it started. I was 12 years old when it stopped. For a long time I felt like my life was over, I was damaged goods, I could not go on…I lived in shame. I thought there was something inherently wrong with me for what had happened. The truth is I am a strong woman, a survivor, and I fight daily to not allow my past to have a hold on me. I cannot live there and I cannot operate from that place. I am not the scared little girl seeking out safety. I am a grown woman providing safety and security for myself. My life has unfolded perfectly and constantly challenges me in ways that I need it.

As a child, I repressed the memories of what my neighbor had done to me. My life was chaotic and confusing. I excelled at school and it was where I found my solace. In high school, I remember having an intense hatred towards this “family friend” that had done this to me but did not know why. At 18 years old, my first year in college, the memories came flooding back like a bad dream that I could not wake up from. I thought I was losing my mind. What was happening? Why was I remembering all of this now?! Why couldn’t it just stay deeply seeded in my sub-conscious, never to be found again…? I started four years of intensive therapy twice a week, became an alcoholic and addict, got sober…and came out the other side… After those four years, I was no longer self-medicating with substances, I could be in an elevator with a man and not freak out, I did not feel like my perpetrator was following me and knew where I was, I filed a police report with several other victims, and I became grateful for what had happened to me. I was grateful to be able to help others that struggled with the same experience. There is something deep within you that changes when you are sexually assaulted or abused. You no longer feel safe, no matter where you are…you feel unlovable and like you’re going crazy.

I could not stay in the victim cycle of my mind. And even though I go back there, without even knowing it sometimes, I have to pull myself up and tell myself – I am a survivor! I am strong! I am brave! And I have to create that in my life through my own actions. I cannot rely on someone else to create that for me. This, I am slowly realizing, now that I am a mother and a wife. At 38 years old, this has opened a whole new chapter in my trauma recovery (I thought I was done with it at 22 LOL) but I’ve kicked in the door and decided to face it head on! I WILL NOT allow what has happened to me destroy my life!

#childhood #everywoman #everywomanhasastory #sexualabuse #sexualassault #iamasurvivor