Pump the Brakes!

HUGE PROFOUND INSIGHT I RECEIVED TODAY:

Here are the messages I receive on a daily basis: “Push yourself. Just drink more coffee. You can sleep when you’re dead. Hustle. Don’t give up. Live your best life. Food’s not that important.” I interpret them as being strong, moving forward, doing all the things, wife duties, mom duties, work duties, exercise, clean, go, go, go. I’ve had a realization this morning. My body won’t let me go beyond that which I am capable of. My body will tell me when I need to stop and rest. I should be at work, I should clean the house, I should be responsible for all the duties of raising a child, I should push through the pain. I shouldn’t rest, I shouldn’t stop, I shouldn’t allow myself to breathe…and then I start to have pain in my body. I ignore it and it gets bigger. It gets so big that I’m forced to stop. And when I do, I feel guilt. I feel guilt that I am not all the things to all the people in my life. I feel like I’m disappointing everyone. I feel like a failure but what I’m coming to realize is that if I don’t stop when I have those indications – those nagging notions that I need to pause, chaos ensues. And not just small little hiccups in life – but BIG chaos – crumbling of my relationships, huge reactions that negatively affect other people, financial insecurity, and my current state, physical ailments. My body tells me when to stop. And if I don’t stop, there will be no more ME to do all those things I tell myself I “should” be doing.

What if instead of hustling and pushing ourselves we actually listened to our bodies? What if instead of beating ourselves up for not working out, not shaving our legs, not taking our kids on adventures, we said NO to that voice? And we paused. When I pause I have the ability to respond and not react. I have the ability to remain calm in the storm. My office is not going to fall apart because I’m not there, if someone has an issue with me taking care of my body – that is a reflection on them, not me. My house will remain in intact, even if it’s not perfectly spotless. I put one foot in front of the other and take the next indicated step. The pain in my body is an indication that I need to stop and re-evaluate. So instead of all the messages that make me feel bad about myself, what if I listened to what I need, took care of my mind, body, and spirit, took action that envelopes me in love, allowed my higher power to tell me what I need instead of making demands on myself.

When going through crisis, I feel like I MUST move forward - I can push through it! I have to! But what if I found a middle ground? What if I pushed forward but had the ability to pump the brakes? When I go full throttle – work, exercise, mom, wife, sober, work, make money, be a provider, be a lover, move, go, push, push, push-I am a car flying down a hill with no breaks. I end up crashing and the damage is far worse than if I would have had the ability to pump the brakes. Today I’m pumping the brakes. I’m taking the time to take care of me.

I have a history of ovarian cysts but haven’t had any issues in years. My first inclination when experiencing the pain is “this will pass”, I will push through it. And then the pain increases. I still get in the mindset that “I got this” when I don’t . I end up at the hospital, getting blood work done, ultrasounds, etc. and being told to rest. REST?! I can’t rest! I don’t have time for this! I have too much that I HAVE to do. That is what I tell myself. I let my sponsor know right away what was going on and how guilty I felt for what was happening in my body, of which I have no control. I didn’t put it there. I didn’t ask for it. But did I? My cysts seem to come when I’m not taking care of myself. When I’m living my life in a whirlwind, eating anything around me just to get by, not taking care of myself, having high levels of stress, opting to buy something to change the way I’m feeling instead of a supplement that may help to heal my body. My sponsor told me “TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY important to take care of your sweet body.” Why does that seem so foreign to me? So wrong?... This is where I need to make the change. This is where I need to change my self-talk. I am taking today to rest and take care of my body. I will go to my doctor appointments and take the next indicated step. I release trying to manage and control everything. I will no longer be governed by others’ opinions or emotions. I acknowledge that it sucks for the people that have to pick up the slack when I’m down – I get it, but this is what we do for one another. We carry each other, support one another, and operate out of love through it. I do it for you, you do it for me. It’s reciprocal, a cycle, there is no perfection – no perfect situation, no perfect scenario. We are a community, a tribe, that supports one another. The more I dive into the work to change my state of mind, the more these truths become apparent.

One last note – my daily affirmation: I am safe, supported, and loved. No matter what is happening I find that the universe, my higher power, and those around me provide me with the safety, support, and love that I need. And not only that but taking care of my mind, body, and spirit allows me to show up for myself and create safety, support, and love for myself.

#momlife #pause #motherhood #everywoman #everywomanhasastory #bodypain