Pain Turned Inward

Everything she touched out of self-centered fear was destroyed. Every relationship she’d been in she would end through her own demise. Instead of facing her emotions, she did what they described in rehab as FEAR (Fuck Everything and Run). Not only did she have that thought and that instinct but she had to create enough wreckage to make sure she could never go back. She would do things that could not be forgiven and would stir up so much hate from disappointment in her boyfriends that she’d might as well ripped their hearts out of their chests and stomped on them. Months after ruining these men she would begin to feel the pain of what she’d done. She’d beg for forgiveness and beg them to take her back. When they confirmed that she was the worst, sickest, most evil person they’d ever met, she’d get some sort of satisfaction from it and would move on, but this was different.

He was different. He stayed with her through her memories coming back. He would put up with her irrational fears that her perpetrator knew where she was or was in her house. He would live through the flashbacks with her and try to get her to see that she was here, in the present moment, and not being hurt. He took her to the hospital when she thought she was having a heart attack, only to find out it was her first panic attack. He told her that she had a problem with alcohol, he would try to avoid drinking around her in the hope that she would stop. She would steal his credit card number and pay off bills with it. She would key his car when he was shooting a film because the lead actress was beautiful and flirty with him. On Valentines Day, in the height of her addiction, he showed up at her door with flowers and gifts and she told him that he needed to leave because she was busy. They had been together four years and the reality was that she was getting loaded and he was interrupting that. Little did either of them know, that same night she would try to take her life.

Once she got sober, she thought that would bring him back, but it didn’t. The damage was already done.

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