Was this her nature?...her fate?

She had lived a life of pain and no longer wanted to live like that. She had been dating this musician for two years now and there was that constant push and pull – the struggle of love. Wasn’t it supposed to be like this? On the outside she seemed so strong, so loving, so kind, but really she was hurting – a deep lingering pain that nothing seemed to fix. She tried food, money, men, and eventually went back to alcohol. Her relapse scared him and he told her she had to leave.

Did she have to hurt everything that came too close? Anything too good had to be destroyed. She had to end it. The pain would be so deep. She had to make it so she would be in pain and hurt again. That seemed to be where she was most comfortable. She deserved it, anyway, didn’t she?

For all the pain she’d caused and the wreckage of her past, didn’t she deserve to be walked all over by others? Her innocence had been taken so wasn’t it her job to turn around and take from everyone else? She would create something beautiful and innocent just to be destroyed. She would build it up to break it down. It hadn’t phased her. It just perpetuated the feelings she had toward herself. But, maybe, this time was different. It wasn’t just something she could turn her back from and walk away.

She tried at the period of their separation. She immediately turned to other men, hoping they would carry her through this turbulent time like they always did. But it was different this time. It wasn’t working. She was missing him. How could this be? How could she have let him touch her so deeply? It had been four months. Shouldn’t she be past this point, moving on to the next man she would fall deeply in love with and then unconsciously destroy? If he was “the one,” the one her soul truly connected with, then how could she have done this? She’s ruined her chance – the time had passed, the loved had passed, he’d moved on, he had another woman in his life. A woman that wouldn’t hurt him as she had, a woman that wouldn’t touch him so deeply like she had, a woman that would not ravage him as she had. He turned away from her, he wanted nothing to do with her except for the money to be paid back. The money from which she’d subconsciously chose to end the relationship, the time of destruction. Why had she taken advantage of the situation? Why was she SO sick that she could not see beyond her own destruction. Her self-centered fear was so deeply ingrained in her every moment, every breath…in her being that she couldn’t control it. The ego had taken over!

#ego #alcoholism #selfdestruction #paininplainsight