Self-Destruction...the Only Way

An excerpt from "Every Woman...":

"They see this person who is outwardly confident, beautiful, refined, but they do not see the sickness underneath – the dark, ugly, waiting, all consuming darkness.

This is a lifelong struggle for many that have experienced prolonged trauma in their childhoods and never faced it until adulthood. At the age of 18, she was first diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and her psychologist told her that she was one of the lucky ones. She was addressing this at an early enough age that she had a chance to recover and live a “normal” life. He told her that most women do not address these issues until well into their 30s and 40s. There is a difference in the brain, when a trauma is experienced and integrated into the mind fairly soon after the trauma occurs vs. the trauma being repressed and not addressed, as it is deep in the subconscious and therefore is never integrated. She had heard experiences similar to this from Veterans that come back from combat zones.

She had to be very careful though, as there were those naysayers in the world that did not agree with this...and she seemed to attract them. Partners that would use these trigger points to make her think she was wrong and crazy. They would say that she was bringing it on herself. She had to be very careful not to adopt their points of view, as it did not serve her. She had worked hard to use it as a strength and a platform to stand on and show that she has recovered. She knew she would never be perfect. There was no such thing. And she may engage in self-destructive behaviors, but as long as she came back to the foundation of strength she'd found through a power greater than herself and the community around her, supporting her, she would be okay."

In my research, I've found that trauma can lead people down very dark roads. Approximately 75% of women struggling from alcoholism or addiction have been sexually abused as a child. Here is some understanding of it from a medical perspective:

“Some people who have been subjected to traumatic experiences engage in repetitive self-destructive behaviors including the abuse of drugs, and suffer from fears that interfere with everyday functioning at work and at home. A traumatic experience is an extraordinary experience that shakes one’s sense of safety and security, and activates the most primitive part of our brain. Fight, flee, or freeze are instantaneous reactions that leave no time for reflection or analysis. These are life-saving and essential instinctive reactions in a crisis, but these same forces can result in tragic violence and self-destructive behavior if the stimulus is actually benign. In a continuous state of fear or anxiety, traumatized people often resort to self-medication with alcohol, illegally obtained prescription drugs, or street drugs.

The extraordinary nature of traumatic events means that incoming sensory data does not fit into the individual’s conceptualization of the world, people, and most importantly her/himself. Imagine a cursor wandering through various folders and files desperately trying to find someplace to store this new data. When this attempt at filing away an experience is incomplete, the memory continues to feel current, leaving the individual in a state of hyper-vigilance and chronic fear. This results in both emotional, and sometimes physical, pain for the traumatized individual. We are complex beings with the ability to reason in an abstract manner, so as our primitive brain is automatically processing an experience, the more complex, highly developed part of our brain searches for meaning, asking questions such as: what does this mean in terms of who I am, my self-worth, my potential for safety, security, and contentment? When integration of an experience has been incomplete, reminders, even subconscious reminders of that experience, can activate the sub-cortical neurobiological processes responsible for attention, memory, and emotional arousal.

Neuropsychologists such as Bessel Van Der Kolk at the Trauma Center in Boston have conducted research that explains how the emotional part of the brain dominates the rational, language processing part of the brain in times of extreme stress, impacting the ability to modulate emotional and physiological arousal. This can result in apparently irrational, dangerous behavior which, ironically, increases the danger of further traumatization. As Dr. Van Der Kolk expresses it, 'traumatized individuals lose their way in the world'. Increased vulnerability is, in part, due to negative, self-referencing beliefs resulting from early and often chronic trauma. These irrational beliefs (e.g. I’m dirty, I deserved it, I’m not worth loving, I’m disgusting, I’m dying, I’ll never be safe) reside at a deep level but have a destructive effect on self-concept and resilience, inhibiting growth and influencing decision-making. Repetitive reenactment and reliving of the trauma, substance abuse and self-harm are evidence of the limitations on conscious control of emotions and behavior when old trauma is reactivated. Seemingly irrational behavior has an adaptive purpose to the traumatized person, whether the person is able to articulate the purpose or not. Substance abuse is an attempt to feel better in some way; lashing out in anger can serve a protective purpose, and even self-harm has meaning to the individual. Recovery depends on the survivor attaining safety, building a support network, learning skills for self-soothing and protection, and developing a realistic and compassionate self-concept.”

Written by Hazel Trego

#selfdestruction #ptsd #addiction #alcoholism #paininplainsight #riseabove