The Red Shoes

An excerpt from "Every Woman...":

"An excerpt from 'Women Who Run with the Wolves'

by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.:

'People who are grabbed and taken away by the red shoes always initially feel that whatever substance it is that they are addicted to is a savior in one sense or another. Sometimes it gives a sense of fantastic power, or a false sense that they have the energy to stay awake all night, create until dawn, go without eating. Or perhaps it allows them to sleep without fearing demons, or calms their nerves, or helps them to care so deeply about all the things they care so deeply about, or maybe it helps them not want to love and be loved anymore. However, in the end, it only creates, as we see in the tale, a blurred background whirling by so fast that no real life is truly being lived.'

A Summary of The Red Shoes

Written by Hans Christian Anderson in 1845:

A poor orphan girl is adopted by a rich old lady. The orphan girl has a cherished, yet rough pair of red shoes that she made. Her new caretaker buys her a new pair of red shoes fit for a princess. The girl is so enamored by her new shoes that she wears them everywhere and they show her joy and dancing…the dancing is fun and wonderful…but goes on and on and just won’t stop. The dancing no longer becomes fun. She is adored by all around her, watching her dance in her shoes but it gets worse. Now the shoes won't come off. They continue to dance, night and day, rain or shine, through fields and meadows, and through brambles and briers that tear at the girl’s limbs. She is condemned to dance even after she dies. The girl finds an executioner and begs him to chop off her feet. He does so but the shoes continue to dance, even with the girl’s amputated feet inside them.

This is a tale of a trap in our lives. These traps are cunning, baffling, and powerful. We see how fun they seem. We believe they are working for us and soon enough we find we are no longer having fun. We can’t shake off the “red shoes” - they are governing every area of our life. This can be drugs, alcohol, power, money, sex, food, people…you can increase the list ad infinitum.

For her, it was addiction, and it can be addiction to all of those things, but the most destructive is drugs and alcohol. It starts off fun and amazing! She was going to yacht parties, being invited to the Playboy mansion, having her own “list” at the hot clubs downtown….and then it turns into darkness…picking up strange people off the street to score, bruises on her arms, an intervention by her family and friends…it’s no longer glamorous or amazing. But the lure…the lure is still there…the illusion…the idea that “this time it will be different” but it never is. There is the rationalization…”oh, this is how mom’s do it…”; “they just drink wine or pop a pill”; “now I know how do life…I just numb out…” but it never works! Reality is still there!!! This pill promised her! It promised her an escape and yet she's still here!

In 2008 she lost 6 1/2 years of continuous sobriety in a way she could have never imagined. It was one of the darkest times for her and the ones that loved her. From 2008-2009, she could not stay sober. She continued to go out and make horrible decisions. She did things she NEVER thought she would do. It all started with being incredibly uncomfortable in her own skin in her 6th year of sobriety. The relationship she was in was going downhill, she was trying to fill that hole in her soul with anything and everything, she picked up a pipe for the first time, she picked up a needle for the first time, and she spiraled down into the darkest abyss one could imagine. She was, at that time, grasping at anything and everything, other than a power greater than myself, to "fix"her - men, food, money, drugs, alcohol, etc. Nothing worked. She continued to get 30 days sober and then relapse again. It all came to a head when she had gotten kicked out of her apartment, lost her car, lost her job, and was living at home with her mother. She remembers sneaking the liquor down from the cabinet and pouring it into her diet coke when she was home to help with the feelings of coming down off of all the drugs she was doing. She had bruises all over her arms that she tried to hide but her loved ones could tell she was going downhill just by the look on her face. She distinctly remembers thinking, "I don't care if I live or die, I just want to get as high as I can and stay there forever." It was the perfect way for her to numb out....to no longer feel those emotions, that pain, the sadness. Once her family and friends found out that it had progressed and she had been doing harder drugs and using them in more dangerous ways, they had an intervention.

THE INTERVENTION

She walked in and her whole family was there, her friends had arrived, and her mother was hysterical. To think of the pain that she caused her mother, after she had to watch her dad go through all this, is heart-wrenching. She told Celeste that she would pay for her to go to a rehab before she would pay to put her in the ground. They tried to take her phone from her so she couldn't continue to call the man she was getting loaded with. This man would lure her in, by no fault of his own, but she found glamour and excitement with him. As her friends and family were trying to take her phone, she locked herself in the bathroom and refused to come out. It was an ugly scene but she finally conceded and got back into recovery, going to an outpatient treatment for dual diagnosis (addiction & mental illness), and was able to slowly rebuild her life.

In March, 2010, she found out she was pregnant, and in March, 2010, she had one year of continuous sobriety. She was back in and convinced to her inner most self that she could not live a life of drinking and using drugs. She had to surrender to a power greater than herself to pull her out of this horrendous disease that would resurface again in 5 years.

MOTHERHOOD & ANOTHER RELAPSE

She had her son in February, 2011, via C-section and refused all narcotic pain medication. She recovered using just ibuprofen and Tylenol only. Over the course of the next 5 years, she would have a series of four surgeries, and would progressively come to accept taking narcotic pain medication post-surgery to help manage the pain. She had no problem taking them as prescribed and didn't really even like them. They made her nauseated and out of it.

In 2015, her anxiety spiked, as her son turned 4 and was getting ready to go to elementary school. She would later find out that this anxiety was a resurfacing of PTSD, that she had thought she had already dealt with. She was terrified all the time, always thinking that he was not safe, and was in constant fight or flight mode. She was prescribed Xanax for the anxiety and what ensued was a recipe for disaster...

She found that the Xanax was not very effective for her anxiety, but if she took the narcotic pain medication and the Xanax, that was perfect!!! In 2015, she began taking these pills, either in combination or on their own to get through family gatherings, plane rides, staying home with my son, long car rides, etc. - just to take the edge off. She slowly realized that she was jeopardizing her sobriety and she knew…she knew it wasn’t going to work, she knew it was going to spin her out, she knew she was going to eventually have to get honest, but she didn’t care. She just needed a reprieve. She needed to blot out her life. She convinced herself that she couldn’t deal with life, that she couldn’t handle it. She NEEDED it – or so she convinced herself. She saw it spiraling out of control. It hadn’t gotten there yet but she was running scenarios through her brain of how she would "doctor-shop", how she would get more, how she would maintain…but she couldn’t. She could not maintain her life while getting loaded on drugs or alcohol. She could not operate that way.

RECOVERY

She need something with depth and weight in her life that would keep her moving forward and living out her soul’s true purpose. And that something is a power greater than herself – the universe, god, the great creator, divine mother…there is no name for it….it is beyond her comprehension. She MUST have that daily spiritual reprieve if she is to stay sober because her ego wanted to destroy her. Her disease would tell her that she must have the drugs and alcohol to go on. And when those didn't work, her ego would go to money, sex, food…whatever she could grasp onto.

She had these "red shoes" strapped on her feet and they would dance on anything and everything…whatever dance they could do…wherever they could go…they must keep going…there is no stopping them until she recognized that she needed help and she had to humble herself enough to ask for that help. Her pride and ego would keep her sick. Her soul and love would keep her well."

Be well my dear friends!

#sobriety #recovery #redshoes #womenwhorunwiththewolves #womenempowerment #storytelling